Wednesday, March 7, 2012

This Time, I Promise.

In the last few months, it seems that my blogging (and subsequent dieting/exercising/getting healthy) has been a whole lot of talk and not a lot of action. It makes me sad and ashamed, because there is absolutely no reason for it to be this way, and there is nothing that I can attribute it to other than my own laziness. I wanted the weight to come off; I wanted to be able to fit into all of my summer clothes and things that I haven't worn since high school. I wanted all of that and more, but I wanted it without the work. Late-night market runs for nachos, chicken tenders, Ben&Jerry's, and Bosco sticks meant more to me than making sure that my dress fit for my cousin's wedding (that is now just barely a month away!).

Every time I turned around, there was another "reason" that I couldn't exercise or make better eating choices in the cafeteria. There are some foods that really do react terribly with the medicine that I was on, but an upset stomach over a salad or veggies is better than a flabby stomach over pizza and junk food...I just need desperately to grasp that concept and keep it in the forefront of my mind at ALL times!

I went to see my doctor yesterday, 1. because I haven't been in for a PCOS evaluation since last spring break (a year ago on the 11th) and 2. because my meds for it went from making me feel sick because of certain foods to making me feel sick because of ANY food. I expected that I'd be only a couple of pounds lighter than I was last year, because I knew that I'd gained about ten pounds since the summer (when I'd stopped eating and was being a pitiful, broken-hearted moron)...but what I didn't expect was to actually be almost two pounds HEAVIER than I was at my last appointment.

I know that two pounds isn't really a huge deal, but knowing that I was almost twenty pounds less than that this summer makes me feel a whole lot worse. I was doing well this time last year, and I feel like (read: I know that) I have just given up. Part of me thinks that I should just start completely over and use the weight that was recorded at the doc's office yesterday as my "starting weight," but I know that this is a JOURNEY, and the stumbles, mishaps, and bad days are all a part of it. For that reason, I refuse to "start over" and forget about all of the progress that I made from October 2010. I may have cancelled my WW membership, but that was only because of money and the inability to attend meetings both at school and home, but that doesn't give me the right to stop!

After leaving my doctor's appointment yesterday with a different type and dosage of meds and the realization that, no, PCOS isn't a life-threatening thing...but if I want to stop it before it turns into something worse & keeps me from having the big family that I've always dreamed of, then I need to get my mind back to where it was this time last year.

I came home and dug through the closet until I found my mom's Turbo Jam DVDs: They were always some of my favorite things to do, and she used them all of one time before giving up and packing them away, never to be seen again. I rocked it out to the first workout, then made a shopping list of things to take back to school with me. Mama looked at me like I was crazy, but I think that she really does have a heart for seeing me achieve the goal that I've wanted for a long time, so she helped me write down ideas of snacks and healthy things to take back with me. Then I woke up this morning (kind of late, but hey: it's Spring Break...I deserve the rest!) and immediately jumped into the next Turbo Jam workout.

I don't know what we have in the house as far as healthy food options, but I'm determined to find something. I still have a little over a month before the wedding. While that is not the be-all, end-all of this whole thing, I NEED to make sure that my dress fits, since I haven't worn it since November. If I can just get a move-on and really get myself in gear, I'm confident that it will only get easier after that point. I just need to keep thinking of how rewarding it will be once I can slip into that dress and feel genuinely good, and see people that I haven't in months and be healthier than when they'll all be worth it.

I WILL be more faithful in blogging. I'm busy: work, the last half of spring semester, and sorority initiation/new member process (oh yeah, I went Greek!). But with a good mindset (and reliance on God to keep me from sinking) I know that I'll be just fine.

So no more excuses, FOR REAL THIS TIME! It's all or nothing! (:

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