Saturday, January 29, 2011

Before I fall too fast.

It's late and I'm drained, but I'm feeling kind of down and something just told me that the best way to let it out was to blog, so that's what I'm doing.

(Let me preface this post by stating that I couldn't get out of my dorm to go to weigh-in today because Mom Nature dumped a ton of snow on us last night. Great.)

Yesterday was great; today started off great as well. J came by twice yesterday and the following is just some of what happened: he called me "his favorite Brittany," swapping hats back and forth, being subtly flirty, and him popping up in the kitchenette when we were making smoothies. Today he came by and ended up watching Black Swan with me/my girl friends, and after they left he stayed to watch Despicable Me. We shared the couch and our bodies were literally touching from shoulder to foot. I thought that things were going really well, until the time he got up to leave.

I've been working really hard lately to seem like I'm confident and sure of myself, and I swear that it blew up in less than five minutes tonight.

If it weren't a bad enough blow to my self-esteem that he seemed to be scooting away while watching the second movie (which doesn't seem like what was really going on because less then a minute after he'd move, he'd be right back), then the way I behaved as he left was enough to send me spiraling back to my pre-new-years state. I stole his hat and ran away with it and I swear that I was acting like a ten year old. J even asked me why I was acting like such a little kid. Needless to say, I was mortified; I came back inside, locked the door, and cried--twice.

It was in the middle of the second cry and a series of text messages to Kitty (who is proving to be the best friend that I've got at school) that I realized that two things needed to be done:

The first was this blog post. I need to be able to get my head clear and somewhat organized before I try to do anything else, and that's exactly what this is for.

The second, while it's not something I would normally think of doing, is a letter to J. I've known it all along, but I really came to terms with it tonight. He needs to know how I feel about him, and so I'm putting it all out in black and white. Whether or not I actually give it to him is something else entirely, but even if I don't, it'll be good for me and my sanity.

I'm just so at a loss right now as far as what I should do. I know that the only way things can move forward (or, dare I even mention it, end) is if I let him know how I feel, but it literally gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.

What, dear readers, do you think I should do?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

This is an update.

Do you see what I mean about how terribly I'd fail as soon as I got back to school? I knew it would happen.

So much has transpired since I got back, but of the things that pertain to my blog: I missed a weigh-in and then was shocked when I finally went....and I'm getting so comfortable (at least for myself) around a very particular male.

Firstly, the weigh-in:
College is the enemy. More specifically, college food is the enemy. It's not that I've done absolutely terrible (we'll get to that in a second), but when you have two meals a day with only a few options and 200 dollars to spend at the campus convenience stores/coffee shop, it's kind of difficult not to fall victim. However, I'm not going to beat myself up over it, because at weigh-in last week the meeting leader stressed that it's perfectly fine to eat something if you want it because deprivation only makes the craving worse, and then, binge eating happens. I've had bosco sticks, spaghetti o's, ice cream, a cupcake, a white mocha, and candy bars; but I'm not ashamed of it. I've also had lots of fruits and vegetables, healthy grains, and I've been drinking water like I'm a fish. In the end, I really feel like I'm going to be okay. If I went through and ate like a rabbit, I might lose weight quickly, but I'd be miserable. I'd much rather do it slowly and enjoy the journey than to do the same thing that I've done every other time that I've not succeeded.

When I went to weigh-in last week, I was terrified. Being back at school and eating things that I wasn't used to for a month seemed like the worst idea ever. Add to that the fact that I'd skipped the previous week's meeting, and I was expecting the worst. However, when I stepped on the scale, I was pleasantly surpirsed. In the two weeks since I'd been back at school, I'd lost exactly three pounds! If you're paying attention at all to my weight record over there -->, you'd know that three pounds over two weeks is really unusual for me. Needless to say, I was thrilled. This week probably won't be anywhere near the same, but I'm trying to stay optimistic; I've lost almost ten pounds and 5% of my bodyweight, so I feel that I'm in my rights to be excited.

Now, on to the second issue that I brought up with my very first post but have yet to address again:
Things are going absolutely swimmingly. He's spent so much time in my room since the semester started, and my roommates are all super sure that he's feeling it too. We were supposed to go to the basketball game tonight, but he has a meeting and so he backed out. Buuuut, he told me that I looked cute, so the renig is slightly acceptable. It has also been confirmed that he's supersuper into his faith/belief in God/going to church/etc, and he has a bracelet proclaiming his sexual purity. This is exactly the kind of boy that I could take home to my parents.

However, my computer is on the verge of battery death, so I (unfortunately) have to cut this short. I'm going to try to be better at updating, but you'll have to forgive me if I slack a bit; things with school this semester are super hectic.


Friday, January 7, 2011

I Should Be Sleeping

No seriously, I have to be up and ready to go to weigh-in by 9:00 in the's almost 2:00 right now. Thus has become Brittany's nocturnal habit during semester break. I really need to stop staying up so late, especially when I'm less than two days away from having a steady 9-4 class schedule almost every day, with very little break in more naps this semester, sadly.

But that's not what I'm really here to talk about (and at this point I'll throw in my apologies for not blogging more than I have been...that's kind of how my blog life works, but I'm really trying.) The topic on my mind right now is, once again, my lifestyle change. I've started referring to it as that, rather than the D word or 'weight loss,' because those are dirty words in my mind.

My intentions with this blog were not to make it my journey to thin chronicles, but it's honestly helping me (at least, I think it is...tomorrow's weigh-in shall really tell.) However, no matter how much it's helping me to write about my successes and struggles, I still hope to incorporate multiple facets on my road to being a happier me...this is just what's at the forefront for the current time.

Before I get into anything else, I would just like to say that I stepped on our home scale a few days ago out of curiosity and according to it, I was half a pound away from losing 5% of my body weight. The thing that I keep reminding myself, however, is that our scale is severely inaccurate compared to the one that I use at legitimate weigh-ins, but even still; it has been such a motivator knowing that I'm actually getting close to my first goal, even if I haven't exactly reached it yet. I haven't set a reward for reaching this particular goal yet, but I think it's going to be something very a nap or an extra long shower or something. *The small things matter too, my friends*

Now, as for the meat of this post: I've been noticing some major flaws in the way that I go about food/moving in my daily life. I often find it easy to just 'forget' to take my multivitamin and Vitamin D (which, if my doctor knew I was skipping the D, she'd kill me) every day, and I've been getting lazy on my protein. When I first started trying to get healthier and also got put on my medication, my goal was to eat a lot of foods that are high in protein. My doctor told me that protein, along with the medicine, would nip my problems in the bud and also make it easier for me to shed some weight. The way that we determined what was 'high in protein' is this: if the carbs are any more than twice the amount of protein in a serving of something, then it's not high. For example: if there are 7 grams of protein and 20 carbs, then the food is not considered to have high protein. With 7 grams of protein, anything 14 carbs and under (plus or minus 2) is high. I've been seriously neglecting this lately, and I need to get back to it.

The final two things that I've started doing to hinder myself are that I'm drinking soda again (a habit I regained once I started school...which is pretty good considering my other drinking options on a University campus), and not journaling my food intake. In the beginning, I was incredibly on top of writing down my food. I would do it as soon as I'd had breakfast and I would decide at that point exactly what I would be eating for the entire day, both meals and snacks. Since I've been home on break , that's simply fallen away from me.

I'm preparing to return to school on Sunday, and so I've compiled a list of things that I need to work on:
-Take my vitamins DAILY
-Get back to the high protein plan
-Do away with the soda again, this time for good
-Resume food journaling
-Start utilizing the exercise facilities (this one I didn't talk about necessarily, but I worked out a few times this week and felt AMAZING about it, so it's a given.)

Until the next time, dearest readers, keep your fingers crossed for me as I go to the last weigh-in of winter break...I'm nervous.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Motivation and Satisfaction Ramblings

If you're taking note, this is the second consecutive blog entry of 2011. Not that this is a record or anything, but still.

In continuing with my "things I need to work on" 2011 edition, I would like to focus this post on the first of the two topics. If you haven't noticed, there is now a weight record on the right sidebar(over there-->). Now, I never intended for this to be a diet blog, but having seen the same thing on other blogs, I realized how ballsy it is to actually put that out there. Since it automatically seemed like something I would never do, I knew that I needed to.

In my HON100 class last semester, we were taught to focus on pushing ourselves to do things that we didn't think we could or that seemed out of the ordinary for us. Quite clearly, this lesson impacted me, because here I am a month later with a weight loss log posted on my blog for goodness knows who to see.

My reasoning behind this, however, is actually more based on motivating myself than following a lesson that I learned in school. I figure that if I put it out there and I'm uncomfortable with the numbers that my readers (if I even have any, which I certainly hope I do) see, then I need to work that much harder to make them go down. As I sat here tonight going through my printed log, I realized that I'm not actually that far from my first goal, but every time I take a step forward, I take a leap back. I'm never going to reach my goal that way, so I recognize that there are major things that I need to do to help myself.

This starts in the morning at precisely 7:00 am. I'm getting up and stretching myself out, walking on the Gazelle for ten minutes, then doing at least a half hour of Kinect Sports or Dance, ten more minutes on the Gazelle, and then more stretches.

I always tell myself that I need to start working out, and even when I had my gym membership last year, I somehow ended up with more excuses as to why I couldn't exercise than I'd ever think possible. For this reason, my motivation is that I can't read Dear John tomorrow unless I work out first. I'm sure that in time, I'll need more motivators, but for now I'll see how this works.

It's time to be happy and satisfied, dear readers. Along with being beautiful, remember that you are capable of achieving absolutely anything that you want out of life.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Start of Something New

Excuse the cheesy High School Musical reference, but I felt that it was much needed.

Before I start, I'd like to give a disclaimer right off the bat: this is the third remodeling of this blog and (for various, unmentioned reasons) I have yet to be consistent with posts beyond two or three. While I don't foresee this being any different, my New Year's resolution is to try to be more post-conscious.

Now, as someone that does not necessarily join in on the hype of beginning a new year (although I was exceptionally excited last year in light of graduation), I'm just going to skip the whole 'reflecting' thing or making up some big story about how I'm going to change and become a whole new person just because the calendar has changed. I mean, I used to be like that, up until a few months ago. I wrote out yearly reflections, made montage videos, and said that I was going to make big life turn-arounds every year.

However, I don't find any of those things necessary anymore. I believe that this is because I'm finally comfortable, both with where my life is and with myself. I've discovered things about how I operate and how friendships are supposed to operate since I've been to college, and because of that I don't feel the need to try changing myself. I know that I'm doing what I should be doing and I'm learning to be my own person. I say "learning" because I still watch myself hold back or go with the flow, and I know that in time that will change--it's already begun to do so within the last six months.

Granted, I recognize that there are a few things that I need to do in order to help myself grow into the woman that I'm going to be. The two things that I want to focus on currently are my health habits and my self-confidence when it comes to the opposite sex.

I've been dieting since November (as well as practically my whole life, off and on), but that's just it: dieting. I made the decision to change my physical self because I was unhappy and because big health problems had risen to the forefront of my life. Being put on medication anyways, I knew that I could help myself out if I got into a healthy lifestyle. However, I never really made the lifestyle change that I needed to. Every time I go to a weigh-in and I'm not satisfied, excuses immediately pop into my mind as to why things went wrong. Enough of that. It's time to take responsibility and help myself out.

And then, my self-confidence. I often blame my lack of significant-other on my high standards, but the point is that I don't take initiative and thus probably (definitely) let good things pass me by. But I recognize that this too needs to change, and so it will. I go back to school next Sunday, and I can already feel opportunities presenting themselves.

For now, I'm taking things one step at a time. Step one? Telling myself every single day that I am beautiful, no matter what. For that matter, everyone and everything is. Remember that, dear readers: you are beautiful.