(Let me preface this post by stating that I couldn't get out of my dorm to go to weigh-in today because Mom Nature dumped a ton of snow on us last night. Great.)
Yesterday was great; today started off great as well. J came by twice yesterday and the following is just some of what happened: he called me "his favorite Brittany," swapping hats back and forth, being subtly flirty, and him popping up in the kitchenette when we were making smoothies. Today he came by and ended up watching Black Swan with me/my girl friends, and after they left he stayed to watch Despicable Me. We shared the couch and our bodies were literally touching from shoulder to foot. I thought that things were going really well, until the time he got up to leave.
I've been working really hard lately to seem like I'm confident and sure of myself, and I swear that it blew up in less than five minutes tonight.
If it weren't a bad enough blow to my self-esteem that he seemed to be scooting away while watching the second movie (which doesn't seem like what was really going on because less then a minute after he'd move, he'd be right back), then the way I behaved as he left was enough to send me spiraling back to my pre-new-years state. I stole his hat and ran away with it and I swear that I was acting like a ten year old. J even asked me why I was acting like such a little kid. Needless to say, I was mortified; I came back inside, locked the door, and cried--twice.
It was in the middle of the second cry and a series of text messages to Kitty (who is proving to be the best friend that I've got at school) that I realized that two things needed to be done:
The first was this blog post. I need to be able to get my head clear and somewhat organized before I try to do anything else, and that's exactly what this is for.
The second, while it's not something I would normally think of doing, is a letter to J. I've known it all along, but I really came to terms with it tonight. He needs to know how I feel about him, and so I'm putting it all out in black and white. Whether or not I actually give it to him is something else entirely, but even if I don't, it'll be good for me and my sanity.
I'm just so at a loss right now as far as what I should do. I know that the only way things can move forward (or, dare I even mention it, end) is if I let him know how I feel, but it literally gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.
What, dear readers, do you think I should do?